life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
