I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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