How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
