I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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