Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
