WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
it's like iHOP with fire
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
