sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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