Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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