if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
