Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
