I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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