OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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