The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She bit a glass in half.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
