The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
