i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
well you can't waste a boner
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize
