pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
