I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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