Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
