I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
