i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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