the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My vagina is officially offended.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
