I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Where is the hickey?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
