I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Randomize
