last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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