This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
