The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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