your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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