Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i now understand why vodka
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
