I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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