I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
