hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
