the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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