Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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