Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
