I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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