Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
