I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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