when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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