Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
