he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
