The maid of honor just puked.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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