I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
