I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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