We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
