I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
