Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
