Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
