His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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