someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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