thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
