The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
