Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
