So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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